On stress, being without, and goals

Things have finally settled down in my life.

I have a car that runs.

I have a bed, not new by any means, but it's one I can sleep on.

I still have my family, my friends. and my boyfriend.

And all of this has taught me that all things can be overcome. I felt so many times like it was all insurmountable but it really wasn't. Having something chemically wrong with your head can skew your perception of your life.

This made me think about people who don't have anything. Not just the things I momentarily didn't have. I mean that permanently or for extended periods of time, there are people who have nothing. Not even shoes.

I can't imagine being without these things. Our lives are made so convenient by amenities like ready transportation and internet access. We don't even stop to think what our lives would be like if we were like countless others, without food, shelter, warmth, and comfort.

I add onto that feeling, that some people who suffer without the basic needs of life, are also mentally ill. Can any of us say we know how they feel?

I can't even imagine how much worse my life could be. I'm glad I don't have to.

The stress from the last few months has changed me. I know it. But I've learned as well.

I found strength I didn't know I had. I'm grateful for that.

My plans are to apply for school locally, and learn to teach. May these plans come to fruition. I will not give up. It will happen.

If you read nothing else by me, read this

Well...third blog. This one is going to be very real. I won't mince words for the sake of professionalism. I want a place to say what I feel deep down.

Today I have been thinking about materialism, convenience, faith, careers, love, and cars.

A busy day, huh?

I'm laying here on my too short for my height air mattress on the floor,  struggling to get settled. I truly hate this thing. But this is where I'm at.

I've gone from a well paying job, a cushy bed, guaranteed enrollment in school, and an apparently functioning vehicle to a twin sized air mattress on a floor, a loss of faith in my chosen career, full of doubt with regards to my personal religious beliefs, and a job I may not even be able to start Monday because my car may be out of commission permanently. How in the name of sanity did I get here?!

It's crazy how we get so used to our creature comforts, like transportation. I have knee problems which makes walking too much an unhealthy activity. As I lay here,  trying to will God and the universe to please see me through one more time, to a fixed vehicle and security, I find myself incapable of summoning up the smiling kind hearted person everyone knows. Instead, I just feel disheartened. I think to myself, why did you come back?

The answer is simple. I needed my family. I love them and I needed them. I have also lost my way with regards to my career and I have no clue how im going to get through any of this. I find myself trying to reason that the car would have broken in PA so it is better just to be here where things are close by. I can't say I'll ever regret my choice to come home and find a new way to live.

I'm thankful if for no other reason than my partner was there to hug me through it all.

I'm trying to have faith that things are going to get better and that my engine is not destroyed. It's just hard right now.

Even with not much,  I know I'm better off then many others. I just hope things will get better because I find my smile hiding from me.

If you read nothing else,  thanks for reading this.